Celtiberian vs Kushite

Narrator: A Celtiberian, the ferocious and innovative Spanish warrior who fought the Greeks, Romans, and Carthaginians while using weapons that the Romans would later adopt. (Cut to a scene of a Celtiberian warrior planting his falcata into a Roman's head)

A Kushite, the African warrior who fought the Egyptians, Persians, and Romans, as well as rival tribes over gold and land. (Cut to a scene of a Kushite firing an arrow into a Persian soldier's chest)

WHO....IS....DEADLIEST?

                                             (Deadliest Warrior Opening Theme)

Max: Today we are going to pit two famous warriors from opposite ends of the Mediterranean: the Celtiberian, from what is now Spain and Portugal, and the Kushite, from modern day Sudan. Both warriors use iron weapons, but the Kushite has little armor as opposed to the Celtiberian. We'll test their weapons, collect the data, and see who wins in the sim. This sim's gonna rock!

Celtiberian stats: Height: 5 ft 5 inches
                           Weight: 115 lbs
                           Armor: Chain-mail, Caetra, Helmet
                           Reign: 6th century-1st century BC
                           Loyalty: Money, Tribal Leaders

Kushite stats:      Height: 5 ft 5 inches
                           Weight: 100 lbs
                           Armor: Ox-hide shield, Bronze Skullcap
                           Reign: 1070 BC-350 AD
                           Loyalty: Tribal Leaders, Nubian Pharaohs

Celtiberian Weapons: Long Range: The Sling. The Celtiberians on the Balearic Islands were renowned as the best slingers in the ancient world, and thus they were a common sight in every mercenary army, whether it be Carthaginian or Roman or whatever nation hired them.

                                  Mid Range: The Soliferrum. The Soliferrum was a javelin made entirely from iron and carried in bundles numbering between three and six Soliferrum. Some believed that this weapon is the ancestor of the Roman Pilum.

                                  Short Range: The Gladius and Caetra. The Gladius was the straight bladed thrusting sword used by the Celtiberians as a side arm. The design was so goo at killing its victims that the Romans adopted it use after the Second Punic War. The Caetra was a metal buckler used by the Celtiberians to deflect opponent's weapons, but could also be used to break bones if necessary.

                                  Special Weapons: The Falcata. The Falcata was a Celtiberian weapon that was merely a Spanish version of the Greek Kopis, which was brought to Spain by Greek merchants. This weapon, according to surviving accounts, could easily split helmets in two and kill on the first strike.


Kushite Weapons: Long Range: The Bow and Arrow. The Bow used by the Kushites was very similar in design to the Egyptian Bow, and could go through a suit of armor as thick as a Roman Legionary's cuirass.
                          
                             Mid Range: The Spear. A Weapon used by all ancient peoples, the Spear was simply a staff with a blade on the end.

                             Short Range: The Khopesh. The Khopesh was a sickle sword used all over the Fertile Crescent, and it entered Kush via the invading armies of Ancient Egypt.

                            Special Weapons: The Axe. A tool used for chopping wood, the Axe used by the Kushites was more than capable of splitting heads and hacking off limbs.

                          

Narrator: Fighting for Team Celtiberian are Enrico Gonzales, a Celtiberian weapons expert, and Juan Melina, an ancient combat specialist.

Enrico: The Celtiberians were a confederation of tribes that were highly skilled metalsmiths and warriors.

Narrator: During their 400 year reign, the Celtiberians engaged in battles with many people, such as the Carthaginians and the Romans. They also fought under the Carthaginian leader Hannibal as mercenary slingers, infantrymen, and light cavalry. So great were their metalworking skills that the Romans copied Spanish mail armor for themselves, and adopted the Spanish shortsword and javelin in their ranks.

Juan: We've got armor, advanced technology, and some pretty kick-ass weapons. Those Kushites are gonna be screwed!

Narrator: The Celtiberians are betting on their warrior to win, a feeling shared by their rivals on Team Kushite. Fighting for his Kushite ancestors is Adam Uloweo, a Kushite descendant and bladed weapons expert. Also fighting for the Kushite is Mbuku Salva, a specialist on Kushite warfare.

Adam: The fighting style of the Kushites was highly influenced by the Egyptians, the northern rivals of the Kushites.

Narrator: In 1070 BC, the Kushites split from the deteriorating Egyptian empire and formed their own kingdom led by their own pharaohs. Using a style of warfare with both Egyptian and tribal elements in it, they ruled an area covering most of modern Sudan before being conquered by Axum in 350 AD.

Mbuku: With our ferocity and skill, the Celtiberian will be putty in our hands. There's no contest: the Kushite is the deadliest warrior!

                                   Weapons Tests
                              Short Range Weapons:

Celtiberian: Gladius and Caetra
Kushite: Khopesh

This Celtiberian takes this round, as the Gladius and Caetra combo demolished the Kushite's Shield, plus the Khopesh could not get through the Celtiberian's chain-mail armor or the Caetra shield.

                            Mid Range Weapons:

Celtiberian: Soliferrum
Kushite: Spear

The Celtiberian's Soliferrum takes the Edge here, as not only can it go through the Kushite's armor, but the Celtiberian carries several of them. That said, the Kushite's Spear was able to go through the Celtiberian's mail armor if the Caetra was not in the way of the thrust.

                          Long Range Weapons:

Celtiberian: Sling
Kushite: Bow and Arrow

Without a doubt, the Kushite's Bow and Arrow takes the Edge here over the rather inaccurate Sling.

                       Special Weapons:

Celtiberian: Falcata
Kushite: Axe

The Celtiberian is given the Edge, as the Falcata broke the Kushite's shield with very little effort, and the Axe failed to break the Caetra.

Geoff: We have all our data, all the weapons have been tested, the torsos and pigs have been mutilated, let's fire this sucker up!

Max: I couldn't agree more Geoff. Time to find out who's deadliest: Kushite or Celtiberian

                                                         Simulation:
The mountain valley was filled with the morning sunshine as a Celtiberian, clad in a chain-mail tunic and carrying a Gladius, Falcata, Sling, Caetra, and a bunch of Soliferrum stepped onto a barren patch of land, looking for his foe. As he did so, a Kushite, wearing nothing but a loincloth and bronze skullcap also stepped into the valley, an ox-hide shield on his left arm and his weapons on his belt as he carried his Spear. Seeing that his opponent was not noticing him, the Celtiberian loaded a stone onto his Sling, spun it wildly, and sent it flying at the Kushite's head. The stone hit the Kushite in the clavicle, making him wince in pain and turn around as the Celtiberian lobbed another stone at him, which missed by a great distance. Squinting his eyes, the Kushite loaded an arrow to his bow and fired it at the Celtiberian. The arrow whistled above the Celtiberian's head before lodging in a tree, but before the Celtiberian could react, the Kushite had shot another arrow, which had buried itself into the Celtiberian's hip. Roaring loudly, the Celtiberian yanked the arrow out of his hip and began to charge the Kushite, his eyes burning with murder. The Kushite fired one last arrow at the Celtiberian, but it deflected off of the Celtiberian's Caetra and stuck itself into the ground as the Kushite then unsheathed his Khopesh. As he was running, the Celtiberian withdrew his Falcata, and when he was close enough to the Kushite, he slammed into him and slashed wildly with the Falcata. The Kushite screamed in pain as the Falacta sliced his right shoulder and pectoral open before making a large split in the Kushite's shield. The Celtiberian yanked his Falcata out of the Kushite's shield as both men began to circle one another, their blades gripped tightly in their hands. With a wild roar the Kushite swung at the Celtiberian's head, but his blow was deflected by the Celtiberian's Caetra, followed by the Celtiberian kicking the Kushite in the chest. The Kushite stumbled backwards as the Celtiberian sheathed his Falcata, hefted one of his Soliferrum, and hurled it at the fleeing Kushite. The Soliferrum knocked the Kushite's helmet off of his head, followed by the Celtiberian shouting an insult at the Kushite. Thoroughly enraged, the Kushite turned around, only to have two other Soliferrum bury themselves into his stomach and shoulder respectively as the Celtiberian hefted his last Soliferrum and hurled it. It flew through the air before slicing the Kushite's hip open and driving the wounded man to anger. Furiously, he yanked out the two Soliferrum that had injured him, threw them to the ground, hefted his Spear, and rushed at the Celtiberian. The Celtiberian unsheathed his Falcata again and when the Kushite thrust the Spear at him, he deflected it with the Caetra, but he was kicked by the Kushite, making him stumble and opened his defenses long enough for the Kushite to stab him in the pectorals two times. Howling like a mad dog, the Celtiberian waited for the Kushite to attempt a third Spear thrust, and when the Kushite did, the Celtiberian hacked the Spear in half with a Falcata chop, then sliced along the Kushite's Chest, followed by a powerful hack to the shield. The shield shattered under the Falcata blow, and the Kushite screamed loudly as the Falcata's blade also sliced his arm open from wrist to elbow. While the Kushite was distracted by the pain in his arm, the Celtiberian smacked him in the face with the Caetra, sending his opponent stumbling backwards. Mustering his last reserve of strength, the Kushite lifted his Axe, and charged like a madman at the Celtiberian, swinging wildly as the Celtiberian ducked and dodged the attacks. As he was avoiding another Axe swing, the Celtiberian sheathed his Falcata, unsheathed his Gladius, and then stabbed the Kushite in the thigh before backing off to a safe distance. The Kushite, thoroughly enraged and exhausted, charged with his Axe lifted above his head, but was stopped dead in his tracks by the Celtiberian rushing him and stabbing him in the chest multiple times with the Gladius. The Kushite dropped his Axe and fell to his knees, blood dribbling from his mouth and chest as the Celtiberian sheathed his Gladius, lifted up the Falcata, and without another word he planted it deep into the Kushite's skull. The Kushite's lifeless body toppled to the ground as the Celtiberian retrieved his Falcata, looked at his dead opponent, and then thrust both his fists into the air. "GYAAAAAAAH!" he screamed in victory before he walked away from the battlefield, a little bloodied but otherwise in perfect condition.

Winner: Celtiberian

Max: This was probably one of the most lopsided battles we have ever seen on this show! The Celtiberian won this match in spades, with 760 kills to his credit, while the Kushite had only 240 kills. This was achieved in no part because the Celtiberian's more advanced technologies, armor, and weapons trumped the Kushite's own many times more. This goes to show you that the more advanced a warrior's technology, weaponry, and armor are, the more likely it is that they are going to emerge victorious.

Mbuku: This is only a simulation. The Kushites fought in a certain way, and you can't capture that on a computer.

Juan: Of course the Celtiberian won; the Celtiberian's the living definition of Deadliest Warrior!

(Cut to a scene of the Celtiberian howling in victory over the Kushite's corpse)